yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You've changed since you got that strap on
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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