I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
