im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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