is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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