All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
