She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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