8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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