I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
