I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
