Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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