when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Shame - the story of my life.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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