haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
