She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
