Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
