I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
