I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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