Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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