please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
