She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize