She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
