You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
