I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
