Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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