My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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