meet me or not, i'm out of control
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
