What did we do last night that was yellow?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
