I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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