Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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