Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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