Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
