Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize