you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
