God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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