i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
