A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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