Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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