Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
