well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
