I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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