My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
