Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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