I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
