she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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