capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
