Even the bartender felt bad for me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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