as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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