just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
