Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
