Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I want to be your penis for a week.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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