This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
