The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
