So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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