Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
