I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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