No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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