saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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