Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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