By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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