My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
