mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
