he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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